||draind & dreary & miss'n my bro
though this is far from a triumphant return.
my brother just left today, went back to Vancouver after some minor mismanagement of his flight schedule, and frankly, it has left me a little depressed. I've never felt really alone before because I knew that when push comes to shove even if it was just me against the world, it would in all reality be me and my brother against the world, and that has always been enough. The boy is solid. And I'm overwhelmingly proud of the man he is becoming, he is strong and loyal and vulnerable and honest, kind and caring and angry but gentle, and what I'm trying to say is he's a hell of a guy, and a hell of a guy to have in your corner. I've previously thought that I've done a lot of the things I've done in my life for my little brother, but I've come to realize slowly over the last while that it is having my little brother there that has given me the strength to do those things.
I miss him already.
Back to one of my earlier topics: lately it seems like push is a lot closer to introductions with shove. My parents are getting a divorce. This is happening because my father, it turns out, is no sort of man (I always had a sneaking suspicion that this was the case), and utterly incapable of doing right by others. In any case, his choices have cost him a family as, if he can chose time and time again to do crushing wrong against those who have loved and cared for him, then there is no possibility of trust, or a real relationship of any sort. I only wish that his colleagues knew the sort of awful man he really is. I miss community, perhaps a scarlet letter. Careless, selfish, scared little puke. In other news the reclusive Great-Uncle I used to visit in my youth died today, it has been awhile in the making, but he wasn't taking visitors so there wasn't much to be done. He was the closest link to family that my father had, and by all accounts an amazing man; correspondent with Bertrand Russell, and author of several books over a wide range of topics. Dear old Dad came from such decent stock, I wonder what went wrong.
My brother's leaving really brings home the fact that I have left the lower mainland. Up till now it has just been some sort of strange holiday, but now he is gone and I feel disconnected, disjointed, and depressed. I feel like I have abandoned my brother, mother and wonderful girlfriend right when they need me, and it's making me wonder what type of man I am.
I'll have to step up to the plate and make my time in Alberta worthwhile, really solidify things so that I can be there for all the people who have been there for me over the last few weeks, months, year, and life. I was so happy to finally be leaving the hell-hole on st catherines that it obscured the inevitable funk I'm slipping into now. Why Oh God Why did I not just leave that she-beast in my wake and take up residence in some suburb basement?!? Oh well costly mistakes yield the highest crop of learning right.
on top of all that I've had to cancel my visa, and can't seem to cancel my old phone -- this move is turning into a bureaucratic nightmare.
I'll be back soon with less dreary posts I'm sure, because really, I've got a pretty snazzy new pad, a nice hood, books to read, food to eat, and friends and family to love, including some nifty neighbors who have been a great help.